What Does It Mean to Be a Man?

What does it mean to become a man? Throughout the modern era, initiation rituals and lessons for boys transitioning to manhood have largely fallen to the wayside.

So how are men learning how to be men?

Is this lack of self-awareness impacting you or someone you know?

There is a lot of power in understanding the dynamics of masculinity. It’s an incredibly useful layer of insight and perspective for men to learn and for women leaders as well, who work with, befriend, lead, or love. Matt Auron, Managing Partner and Co-Founder of Evolution, joined me to share deep insight into the mindset of male leaders throughout the different stages of their careers. With this knowledge, there is a greater opportunity for cultural growth and improved communication between all genders.

What is a Men’s Group?

During the 2nd wave of feminism in the late 70s, the effects of the patriarchy on both genders were examined. Men were experiencing institutional and structural power but were still dying earlier and committing higher rates of suicide and violent crime.

So the inner life of men needed to be explored. Led by a poet named Robert Bly, men started gathering to discuss the soul and experience of being a man in Northern Minnesota at the Minnesota Men’s Conference.

Men were exploring what it means to feel and have emotions in a masculine way, and what it means to grow into maturity as a man. And they quickly came to the realization that there used to be initiatory structures specifically for men that were built into the culture where men would transition from boy to man.

These initiations would shepherd boys from immaturity to mature men that were of service to the greater good. A lot of these rituals were lost in the industrial revolution.

When men started leaving the house to go work in the office, and boys were kind of left to themselves there was no one there really to teach them what it means to transition to be mature. Or how to be present. How to become the steward of your family, of your community. This created a culture of immature men because there are no mechanisms for that kind of growth and transition.

Men’s groups give men the space and infrastructure to open up and be vulnerable. And for many men who haven’t felt safe to express their inner world and instead been focused on being “strong” and the “best” through their childhood and adult life, this unlocks a powerful emotional release and steps them into a world that is interested in inner exploration and self-awareness. The walls built up over a lifetime can begin to crumble in a supportive environment.

These groups also carve out time and energy to open up a line of communication and inquiry about what it means to be a man.

With this type of experience, you are provided with an opportunity to cleanse stored grief, start to understand your operating system, and then move forward with discussions about your purpose and your mission.

What Maturity and What Immaturity?

In this framework, maturity is understanding how you feel, what you think, and the ability to explicitly talk about that and use that to connect with another person and to be conscious and intentional about that.

Another aspect of maturity in men is the ability to get outside themselves and live for something or someone else. Living and being of service to another purpose. With male privilege in our culture, men can kind of just live for themselves and not think outside of themselves or truly grow up.

What is the Mid-life Crisis?

The initiation that used to happen at 15-years old is now generally happening for men much later in life.

It’s become a bit of a cliche, but at a certain point near midlife, men will go into themselves and work on self-discovery.

This happens because of some biological factors, like a dip in testosterone around age 35 and a boost of estrogen. This hormonal change gives men access to different parts of their brains. If men have children, neurons begin to connect that weren’t there before, which creates the neurological ground for feeling.

The mid-life crisis builds on Erik Erikson’s stages of adult development, and the age of essentially 20 to 40 is a building age. During this time period, it’s important to establish your career, make money, find a domicile, build your nest basically, and build a social network that can hold you.

But there are many people now that stretch their adolescence well into their early 30s, which delays the individuation that needs to happen. Individuation is a Jungian term that refers to the construction of your ego.

Then at age 40, you’re going to be confronted with the next stage of life, which is a dysregulating transition time, where all sorts of things happen. A lot of times preceded by something physical like, “Oh my God, this thing is happening with my body. What is up with this? I’m not superhuman.”

And the individuation, the ego structure, starts to crumble. This crumbling is an important and healthy occurrence.

Around this time men begin to internally inquire about what else they want to live for, outside of money or status. This major shift and existential questioning can be profoundly dysregulating for most men. It can lead to drinking, depression, ending relationships, and harmful behaviors.

If you’re a man, it’s useful to look at how you are programmed.

Men’s groups and inner work help you to understand the stages and how that impacts how men show up in the world.

At this mid-life point, it’s important to get clear on what you’re living for.

Why are you here? You will die at some point, maybe soon. And given that, when people look back at you, who were you, and what you created, what will that impact be?

And then you can start to go deep and understand the things that are blocking you from doing that. A lot of times these blockages are very personal and painful. That’s why it’s important to find support during this time, whether it is a men’s group, coaching, therapy, or any other type of support.

This is one of the glaring opportunities during your lifetime to do the work. If we all do our own work and self-exploration, the world evolves.

Why Doing Inner Work as a Man Helps Your Relationships and Leadership

When a man as a leader has done this kind of inquiry and he’s gone into the depths and he’s worked with a coach, he becomes capable of things that weren’t possible before in relationships inside of an organization.

A hugely important one is empathy. Your social receptors get turned on. You’re able to understand other people and manage relationships a lot more effectively.

Social psychology is all influence and that’s built on our social receptors, which is built on the limbic response, which is built on how you feel. Your leadership is dramatically impacted by your ability to feel yourself and feel other people.

Tapping into this empathy helps you communicate more effectively, motivate, inspire, and hold people accountable.

For leaders and designers, this is where a big shift occurs. This is a pivot from, “I’m the person designing the product to I’m the person leading people designing and building the product.”

That is a radical change especially if you’re the technical co-founder. Because you’re not building the thing anymore.

You’re leading the people building the thing, and that’s a completely different skill set. It’s a human relating skill set. You have to learn about humans and most importantly the human you’ve got to learn most about is yourself. That’s your way in.

That is the work. And it’s so disorienting because you’re thinking, “I’m not getting any work done. I’m spending all my time in meetings and one-on-ones,” but that IS your work at that point. Super powerful work!

At first, the work tends to be a little messy, because it is not linear. For a computer science degree person that is used to only working with a part of their brain that is very linear and analytical, it can be really strange and weird.

Here’s the key: we’re not asking for indulgence, we’re asking for integration.

When you integrate the analytical brain and the emotional brain, that is a super powerful combination. Your leadership hits the next level when those elements become integrated.

Discover more about men in the modern business era!